Anxieties Within

              The other day I was going through the doldrums, those times when a person feels melancholy, sad, discouraged and unappreciated.  You know…the blues L  I really didn’t know why this mood suddenly hit me because the activity of the day was relatively routine. However, something inside me felt unsettled and anxious. In fact, I was becoming impatient with myself. I felt restless to the point of being engaged with abundant energy, and I hadn’t even drunk my sweet tea yet.

               Having put together a pot of fresh vegetable soup for supper and leaving it to simmer on the stove, I decided to take my excess energy outside.  Being outside curbed my energy quickly as the cold wind brought chills beneath my coat. I fed the birds, pulled a few dried weeds underneath the feeder, and returned to watch some football on TV.  All the while, though, I remained mentally antsy.

               As the day turned to evening, I found myself drawn to past memories.  My thoughts travelled from my childhood when life was simple and secure to my own family when our house was full of activity, unexpected encounters and challenges. Perhaps my inner being was longing for those former days, days that were difficult at times, but days filled with being needed and appreciated.

               After I had finished the supper dishes, I entered the quiet of our upstairs where the bedrooms of our children remain intact except for our son’s.  His had become my office.  However, I passed its door and settled upon the bed of our second daughter’s.  Lying there in the dark, I began talking to my Father.

               I told Him I felt restless today but I didn’t know why. Life, in general, was moving on an even keel.  Challenges lay in the future, but I felt confident with facing them, so I thought.  I missed my family but again, I knew they were being watched by Him. Our conversation continued for about thirty minutes as I rambled on with a variety of topics, like a child confiding in my parent with me doing all the talking. Then, I returned to life downstairs.

               Later, when my husband had gone to bed and the quiet of the night surrounded me, I cuddled upon our couch with my Bible and my devotions.  I first turned to Ruth Graham’s devotional book, Fear Not Tomorrow, God Is Already There.  The topic was “Trust His Patience.”  When I read the following excerpt, a “light bulb” experience occurred. “Inside I am full of anxiety. I must confess that I am impatient. When I see something that needs doing, I get to it, and if someone doesn’t do something in the time I think it needs to be done, I get agitated. Not a good thing!”  Wow!!  That was me, too, and the last part related to that day.  I thought my husband should be getting some small jobs done around the house, and when he failed to do anything about them, my agitation within me grew.  Patience…God is VERY patient. I need to be more patient, especially in my relationship with my husband. More importantly, I need to be trusting God’s patience and His timing in my every day walk.  (Point #1 on why I had felt the way I did.)

               The second devotion I read ended with a prayer which addressed discouragement, another sense I had experienced that day. “Dear Lord, when I get discouraged, help me to keep pressing on, looking ahead to when I will be with You forever.” Our Daily Bread  Discouragement can be damaging to the plan God has for us so we (I) must keep moving forward trusting Him all the way. (Point #2 on why I had felt the way I did.)

               Finally, the third message taken from Job spoke of family. Its emphasis was on balancing one’s professional life with family life. Since I was a stay-at-home mom for the majority of our children’s childhoods, that part didn’t relate to me. However, when Job reflected on his past days, “When the Almighty was yet with me, when my children were around me…” Job 29:5, his words personally touched me, especially that day when I had missed my family more than usual. I recognized that no matter where my family members presently were, we were together in God’s eyes. He would keep us together. (Point #3 on why I had felt the way I did.)

               As I closed my Bible and put the devotions away, I sensed God’s response to our previous conversation through the Holy Spirit. He was conversing with me through His Word and through spiritual writers.  As a result of His Presence, the confusion that had followed me through the day was replaced with peace because my Father had listened to His daughter and had answered through His Spirit. We serve a very personal God who cares and loves us so very much.  We just need to go to Him, talk with Him, wait, and listen to His response. Praise to our Heavenly Father!!

“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:19

Another Lesson from the Birds

While reading my devotions the other morning, I was drawn to chattering birds outside my window.  I stopped reading and eavesdropped on their conversation. My, how they carried on! J I found it fascinating in my observations. Their melodious chirps and whistles seemed to harmonize into an expressive, joyful song.  Their excitement grew as their non-stop prattling rose to various degrees of volume. It was as though they, too, were spending time with their Creator in the new day’s dawn, perhaps even celebrating that a new day had arisen.

               If only I could be as excited as those birds when it comes to spending time with my Creator. Too often I rush through my devotion time, postpone it or even pass it by.  When I do miss my alone time with God, I definitely notice a difference, especially within myself. An uneasiness resides in my mind; I feel anxious and distracted, as though my energy has been reduced to mish-mash confusion. Even my attitude grows impatient, and I find myself more critical and less forgiving. These feelings might seem strange but they exist.  However, I know they have occurred because of my failure to spend that special, quiet time with my Father. AND sure enough, once I’m back on track with my sincere devotion time with God, my mind becomes clearer, my energy abounds (at least for a time J), and my spirit rejoices like the early morning birds.

               Once again those simple, common little birds showed me the importance of meeting God in the morning. With a renewed desire to commune with my Father through His Word, with confession and with prayer, I find that I, too, can praise and celebrate the breaking of a new day!!

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, my King and my God, for to You I will pray. My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning I will direct it to You, and I will look up.”  Psalm 5:1-3

Never Alone

Whenever November appears on the calendar’s march of months, it surfaces memories of family loss as well as the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. At this time I would like to share a short personal experience piece I wrote shortly after my father’s death in 2008. May you be blessed!

Never Alone

As I stood before the gravesite of my parents, I stared upon the arrangement of red and pink roses, yellow carnations, and miniature daisies. Today, November 19, would have been their 69^th wedding anniversary. Instead, it was one month after my dad’s passing. My mother had died the year of their 65^th, and ironically, we held her memorial celebration on their anniversary day. Dad thought she would have approved of our choice.

               I glanced up and down the row of head stones where my father’s family was buried. From his seven siblings, only one of his brothers and one of his sisters remained. Slowly, his generation was leaving us, leaving me. I turned to go when an overwhelming sense of loneliness unexpectedly struck me.

               Throughout my life, family had always played a major part in the close-knit, rural environment where I was raised. Since some family member was always within driving distance, many weekends or Sunday afternoons were spent eating, visiting, playing baseball or whatever sport was in season, and of course, playing cards. Many fond memories of family and fun were engraved into my mind like drawings with permanent markers on a sketch pad. Now, with the loss of my parents and other close relatives, memories became irreplaceable paintings.

               Slowly, with tears filling my eyes, I walked to my car. I got in but I couldn’t start it. I felt so alone, so abandoned. Even though I had my own family, a husband, four grown children and four grandchildren, I felt empty. Why was I feeling this way? I thought. Was it part of the grieving process?

               When Mom had died, I remembered grieving. I missed her immensely, but I still had Dad. In fact, we drew upon each other’s love, strength, and security to get us through the change taking place. Perhaps that was it. With Dad’s passing I no longer had a father or a mother. I was an orphan.

               Before returning to my own home a hundred miles away, I decided to drive by my parents’ home that had been sold when Dad entered the nursing home.  I passed by their house of 60 years or more and stopped at the curb for reflection.  “Heavenly, Father,” I prayed. “What’s wrong with me? I know my parents are with You. Their faith and trust in Your Son, Jesus, were clearly shown to me over and over again. And, I, too, know Your Son as my Savior, but Father, I feel so alone. Please help me!” I cried.

               After calling to God for help, I had the urge to drive by my former church only a block away from our neighborhood. In fact, the church had been started by my great-grandfather. To me, this church was a part of my heritage. As I entered, the quiet of the sanctuary penetrated my heart. I breathed in the peace and comfort I felt amidst its walls. A sense of security crept over me. The tension and isolation that had grown inside me were diminishing, and a fullness was replacing the emptiness as well.

               Several days later while I was studying my devotions, I was led to John 14. Never before had those words spoken by Jesus affected me so directly. When I read verse 18, “I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you,” I broke into tears and cried like a little girl. I realized that I was not an orphan, but a child of God’s. He had never abandoned me. He was there through every loss I had experienced, and He had lovingly and gently reminded me of His faithfulness through His words from John. Yes, I am a member of God’s family; I am His daughter, now and forever.

“Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14: 27

"Therefore know that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments." Deut. 7:9