Anxieties Within

              The other day I was going through the doldrums, those times when a person feels melancholy, sad, discouraged and unappreciated.  You know…the blues L  I really didn’t know why this mood suddenly hit me because the activity of the day was relatively routine. However, something inside me felt unsettled and anxious. In fact, I was becoming impatient with myself. I felt restless to the point of being engaged with abundant energy, and I hadn’t even drunk my sweet tea yet.

               Having put together a pot of fresh vegetable soup for supper and leaving it to simmer on the stove, I decided to take my excess energy outside.  Being outside curbed my energy quickly as the cold wind brought chills beneath my coat. I fed the birds, pulled a few dried weeds underneath the feeder, and returned to watch some football on TV.  All the while, though, I remained mentally antsy.

               As the day turned to evening, I found myself drawn to past memories.  My thoughts travelled from my childhood when life was simple and secure to my own family when our house was full of activity, unexpected encounters and challenges. Perhaps my inner being was longing for those former days, days that were difficult at times, but days filled with being needed and appreciated.

               After I had finished the supper dishes, I entered the quiet of our upstairs where the bedrooms of our children remain intact except for our son’s.  His had become my office.  However, I passed its door and settled upon the bed of our second daughter’s.  Lying there in the dark, I began talking to my Father.

               I told Him I felt restless today but I didn’t know why. Life, in general, was moving on an even keel.  Challenges lay in the future, but I felt confident with facing them, so I thought.  I missed my family but again, I knew they were being watched by Him. Our conversation continued for about thirty minutes as I rambled on with a variety of topics, like a child confiding in my parent with me doing all the talking. Then, I returned to life downstairs.

               Later, when my husband had gone to bed and the quiet of the night surrounded me, I cuddled upon our couch with my Bible and my devotions.  I first turned to Ruth Graham’s devotional book, Fear Not Tomorrow, God Is Already There.  The topic was “Trust His Patience.”  When I read the following excerpt, a “light bulb” experience occurred. “Inside I am full of anxiety. I must confess that I am impatient. When I see something that needs doing, I get to it, and if someone doesn’t do something in the time I think it needs to be done, I get agitated. Not a good thing!”  Wow!!  That was me, too, and the last part related to that day.  I thought my husband should be getting some small jobs done around the house, and when he failed to do anything about them, my agitation within me grew.  Patience…God is VERY patient. I need to be more patient, especially in my relationship with my husband. More importantly, I need to be trusting God’s patience and His timing in my every day walk.  (Point #1 on why I had felt the way I did.)

               The second devotion I read ended with a prayer which addressed discouragement, another sense I had experienced that day. “Dear Lord, when I get discouraged, help me to keep pressing on, looking ahead to when I will be with You forever.” Our Daily Bread  Discouragement can be damaging to the plan God has for us so we (I) must keep moving forward trusting Him all the way. (Point #2 on why I had felt the way I did.)

               Finally, the third message taken from Job spoke of family. Its emphasis was on balancing one’s professional life with family life. Since I was a stay-at-home mom for the majority of our children’s childhoods, that part didn’t relate to me. However, when Job reflected on his past days, “When the Almighty was yet with me, when my children were around me…” Job 29:5, his words personally touched me, especially that day when I had missed my family more than usual. I recognized that no matter where my family members presently were, we were together in God’s eyes. He would keep us together. (Point #3 on why I had felt the way I did.)

               As I closed my Bible and put the devotions away, I sensed God’s response to our previous conversation through the Holy Spirit. He was conversing with me through His Word and through spiritual writers.  As a result of His Presence, the confusion that had followed me through the day was replaced with peace because my Father had listened to His daughter and had answered through His Spirit. We serve a very personal God who cares and loves us so very much.  We just need to go to Him, talk with Him, wait, and listen to His response. Praise to our Heavenly Father!!

“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:19

Another Lesson from the Birds

While reading my devotions the other morning, I was drawn to chattering birds outside my window.  I stopped reading and eavesdropped on their conversation. My, how they carried on! J I found it fascinating in my observations. Their melodious chirps and whistles seemed to harmonize into an expressive, joyful song.  Their excitement grew as their non-stop prattling rose to various degrees of volume. It was as though they, too, were spending time with their Creator in the new day’s dawn, perhaps even celebrating that a new day had arisen.

               If only I could be as excited as those birds when it comes to spending time with my Creator. Too often I rush through my devotion time, postpone it or even pass it by.  When I do miss my alone time with God, I definitely notice a difference, especially within myself. An uneasiness resides in my mind; I feel anxious and distracted, as though my energy has been reduced to mish-mash confusion. Even my attitude grows impatient, and I find myself more critical and less forgiving. These feelings might seem strange but they exist.  However, I know they have occurred because of my failure to spend that special, quiet time with my Father. AND sure enough, once I’m back on track with my sincere devotion time with God, my mind becomes clearer, my energy abounds (at least for a time J), and my spirit rejoices like the early morning birds.

               Once again those simple, common little birds showed me the importance of meeting God in the morning. With a renewed desire to commune with my Father through His Word, with confession and with prayer, I find that I, too, can praise and celebrate the breaking of a new day!!

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, my King and my God, for to You I will pray. My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning I will direct it to You, and I will look up.”  Psalm 5:1-3

Never Alone

Whenever November appears on the calendar’s march of months, it surfaces memories of family loss as well as the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. At this time I would like to share a short personal experience piece I wrote shortly after my father’s death in 2008. May you be blessed!

Never Alone

As I stood before the gravesite of my parents, I stared upon the arrangement of red and pink roses, yellow carnations, and miniature daisies. Today, November 19, would have been their 69^th wedding anniversary. Instead, it was one month after my dad’s passing. My mother had died the year of their 65^th, and ironically, we held her memorial celebration on their anniversary day. Dad thought she would have approved of our choice.

               I glanced up and down the row of head stones where my father’s family was buried. From his seven siblings, only one of his brothers and one of his sisters remained. Slowly, his generation was leaving us, leaving me. I turned to go when an overwhelming sense of loneliness unexpectedly struck me.

               Throughout my life, family had always played a major part in the close-knit, rural environment where I was raised. Since some family member was always within driving distance, many weekends or Sunday afternoons were spent eating, visiting, playing baseball or whatever sport was in season, and of course, playing cards. Many fond memories of family and fun were engraved into my mind like drawings with permanent markers on a sketch pad. Now, with the loss of my parents and other close relatives, memories became irreplaceable paintings.

               Slowly, with tears filling my eyes, I walked to my car. I got in but I couldn’t start it. I felt so alone, so abandoned. Even though I had my own family, a husband, four grown children and four grandchildren, I felt empty. Why was I feeling this way? I thought. Was it part of the grieving process?

               When Mom had died, I remembered grieving. I missed her immensely, but I still had Dad. In fact, we drew upon each other’s love, strength, and security to get us through the change taking place. Perhaps that was it. With Dad’s passing I no longer had a father or a mother. I was an orphan.

               Before returning to my own home a hundred miles away, I decided to drive by my parents’ home that had been sold when Dad entered the nursing home.  I passed by their house of 60 years or more and stopped at the curb for reflection.  “Heavenly, Father,” I prayed. “What’s wrong with me? I know my parents are with You. Their faith and trust in Your Son, Jesus, were clearly shown to me over and over again. And, I, too, know Your Son as my Savior, but Father, I feel so alone. Please help me!” I cried.

               After calling to God for help, I had the urge to drive by my former church only a block away from our neighborhood. In fact, the church had been started by my great-grandfather. To me, this church was a part of my heritage. As I entered, the quiet of the sanctuary penetrated my heart. I breathed in the peace and comfort I felt amidst its walls. A sense of security crept over me. The tension and isolation that had grown inside me were diminishing, and a fullness was replacing the emptiness as well.

               Several days later while I was studying my devotions, I was led to John 14. Never before had those words spoken by Jesus affected me so directly. When I read verse 18, “I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you,” I broke into tears and cried like a little girl. I realized that I was not an orphan, but a child of God’s. He had never abandoned me. He was there through every loss I had experienced, and He had lovingly and gently reminded me of His faithfulness through His words from John. Yes, I am a member of God’s family; I am His daughter, now and forever.

“Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14: 27

"Therefore know that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments." Deut. 7:9

Hearing and Believing

               Growing up, I enjoyed hearing stories about my grandparents. Unlike most children who have many grandparents today, I only had one living grandmother, my mom’s mother.  My dad’s parents had died in their 40s, leaving him and his seven siblings to raise themselves. My mom’s dad passed away the year I was born.  However, I was born on the wedding anniversary of my mom’s parents so I always felt a special connection with my grandma. In fact, it was like an unexpected gift from my grandpa, and I think my grandma thought so, too. J

               Even though I never met my other grandparents, I felt drawn to them.  Listening to tales my parents and my grandmother shared about them as well as looking at pictures brought them to life for me.  As a child, I imagined what it would have been like to sit on their laps and feel their love.  I even picked out the brightest stars in the night sky and visualized my grandparents looking down at me from Heaven.  It might have been in a child’s imagination, but the cheery, sparkling stars somehow knitted them into my heart.

               Now, hearing stories about my grandparents whom I have not physically seen is like hearing/reading stories about Jesus whom I have not physically seen. Jesus lived on this earth; He told stories; He taught lessons; He loved us; He died for us; He conquered death for us.  We know these truths through God’s Holy Word.  And fortunately for me, through my parents’ and grandmother’s love for Jesus, I heard stories from the Bible as well as personal testimonies of His faithfulness.  Eventually, I read those spoken Bible stories on my own, but most importantly, I came to love Jesus as I did my grandparents, sight unseen.

                Even though we have not seen Jesus face to face, we who believe in Him have His blessing. As Jesus told Thomas in John 20:29, “Jesus said to him, ‘Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.’”

               Let’s shout for joy and keep telling and sharing the stories of Jesus for some day we WILL see Him, full in His Glory!!

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1: 8-9 (NIV) 

A Message from the Closet

               In the latter part of the summer, we had our aged, wooden shingles replaced by colorful, blue metal. As a result of this project, the second floor of our vintage house was covered with dirt, probably the remains from the Dirty 30s!! J   Anyway, it was my task to literally clean every room from top to bottom, which included stuffed animals and precious knick-knacks still standing on shelves from when our kids still occupied the rooms. Well, I can tell ya; I didn’t relish the job.  BUT, at least I could take my time with no one using the rooms.

               Having successfully accomplished one room after many installments, I continued my efforts to clean our second daughter’s room. Once again, I didn’t get very far.  However, what did occur was an example of how God appears in ordinary, simple tasks.

               That morning before becoming involved in my upstairs project, I checked facebook. I had received a message from Cindi, one of my Christian sisters and prayer warrior, requesting prayer as she had planned to speak to her volleyball girls, whom she coaches, about some “drama” taking place amongst the team members. I responded that I would be praying and also messaged a few encouraging words for her specifically. After shutting down my laptop, I briefly spoke to God asking Him to give Cindi guidance and wisdom in this situation, and then I forced myself to return to my yucky task of cleaning the dirt-filled closet. 

               As I removed a plastic container from the top shelf, I noticed through the dirt layer on the lid that it had been marked, “Christian Material for Teens.”  My curiosity immediately engulfed me.  Many years ago when our children were involved in various youth groups as well as in Sunday school, I taught youth classes and led devotions at some of the group meetings.  Consequently, I had gathered books, workbooks, and other resource materials to help with my teaching efforts and then had carefully packed them away when that phase in my life had been completed. But today, of all days, I rediscovered the container.

               When I took off the lid, I was surprised to see how everything inside was still in good condition. However, the first item that caught my attention was a book on the Biblical David, a resource I had used in leading Beth Moore’s Bible study on King David.  I began thumbing through it and noticed a highlighted area referring to the friendship between David and Jonathan, King Saul’s son and heir to the throne.  Now this was where it got interesting because the passage was describing how these two men, both powerful in their own right, were not competing with each other but promoting one another.  Each one was looking out for the best interest of the other. Their friendship was a true, genuine commitment.

               As I read more, I realized that these words were what Cindi needed to hear before she spoke to her players. The idea of promoting, encouraging, and supporting each other as David and Jonathan did could be applied to the volleyball team.  I was excited and thrilled how God had provided insight in a most unforeseen way, in the chore of cleaning out a dirty ol’ closet. I contacted Cindi and gave her the book before her meeting.

               Later that evening, Cindi messaged me that the meeting went well, even better than expected. Along with an inspirational video and excerpts from the book, she said the girls were quiet and listened without interruption. She had felt God’s involvement through it all!!  What a blessing!!!

“Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth!

Sing out the honor of His name;

Make His praise glorious.

Say to God,

‘How awesome are Your works!’” Psalm 66: 1-3a  

Reunion

              A few months ago members of our high school class gathered to celebrate our 50^th class reunion. Before the designated day arrived, I was a little nervous.  The last class reunion I had attended was the 40^th, and people do change in ten years, right? J  However, discovering that several of my close friends from high school were attending the festivities, my nervousness turned into excitement. I couldn’t wait to see them.

               When I entered the Sports Bar and Grill, the designated meeting place, I immediately felt calm and relaxed as I recognized one classmate after another. Everyone responded with enthusiasm and comradery.  Conversations turned from today’s activities, family involvements, and occupations to laughter and stories of past events. It was a fantastic, fun reunion with over 30 of us attending out of a class of 79 (Nine have passed away).  As the time together came to an end, a warm sense of friendship spread throughout the room with everyone looking forward to the next reunion.

               On the drive home, smiles remained constant on my face. Being with my close friends from high school along with all my former classmates embraced my heart.  It had been a wonderful reunion.

   BUT THEN, another reunion to look forward to ran through my thoughts.  In fact, this will no doubt in my mind be the greatest reunion of all…a gathering of all who believe in Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. The appearance of JESUS together with my family and friends (classmates included) can only be imagined at this point, but in my heart, I know it will be AWESOME and one worth attending!!

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ…” Titus 2: 11-13

A Labor Day Miracle

With the Labor Day holiday I am reminded of one of the most amazing incidents that took place during that holiday in 2007.  Since I recorded the event in my “tidbit” journal, I’m taking my words for this post from that entry. May you be blessed as I was on that extraordinary ride.

               “The Labor Day weekend found Larry, Haley [our youngest daughter] and me travelling to Springfield, Mo to help Quinn, Rebecca and Nora [our son and his family] load up to move to Hays, Ks. All week I had been apprehensive about the drive. Anxiety and fear took hold. Satan was determined to take control. Over and over I spoke to God about this attack, knowing full well that my God was more powerful than Satan. Various stories of Scripture came to mind as God led the way for His people, the Israelites, through the wilderness. God leads the way for all who trust Him. And God led the way for us.

“We had decided to turn off at the Clinton, Mo exit because according to Map Quest, that was the quickest way. Never taken this exit before, I was worried that I would direct Larry incorrectly causing him to respond with frustration. That was my fear above all…Larry’s disapproval. However, I had considered the possibility of our missing the turn off, and we would still be okay. The trip would just take longer.

               “Shortly after passing around Kansas City, we came upon a line of traffic several miles long due to the Labor Day holiday. There were four lanes so we kept passing the bumper to bumper line-up by staying in the third lane. It was already dark so landmarks were impossible to distinguish, but the exchanges were well marked. We noticed that the Clinton exit was fast approaching, but we were in the third lane and needed to be in the second. Every time Larry tried to cut in, the closure would stop us. We were maybe 100 feet to the turn off and suddenly, a truck in the second lane hesitated, and we slipped over and made the exit. We had bypassed the traffic jam and continued without delay. God provided the space for us. There’s no doubt in my mind that He orchestrated that opportunity. God did, indeed, lead the way. And my concern of disappointing Larry was gone as well. It was AWESOME!

               “As I reflect upon the trip to Springfield and the Clinton exit incident, I’m drawn to the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea. Just as their obstacle was the Red Sea so ours was the stream of vehicles. Both of us needed to cross or in our case, slip into the stream. Both of us were running out of time. The Israelites had Pharaoh’s army approaching them; we had the Clinton turn-off approaching us. When it seemed the Israelites were to be destroyed by the army and when it seemed we would be forced to miss our exit, God intervened, just at the appropriate time!  The Red Sea opened up for the Israelites to cross over; a space in front of a semi opened up moments before the turn-off!  Awesome!

               “God’s timing is always perfect. We, His people, need to trust Him completely and allow Him to act out His will.”

"Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea into dry land, and the waters were divided." Exodus 14:21